If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit