If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
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Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
getting corrected
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Just got to our Airbnb!
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important