Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
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hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Confused owl: What?!
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
this is the best day of my life
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?