If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
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I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Never let them know your next move 😂
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.