If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
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“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son