If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
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Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I’m being attacked 😭
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right