@dafloydsta: WIFE: The police are at the front door ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

@PJTLynch: Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

@TheBoydP: No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials. Gen Z: Hold my tide pod...

@jonnysun: be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

@inigoomontoya: I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people