If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
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Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull