“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
You Might Also Like
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*