“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
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My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.