Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
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me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.