“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
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Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
The Sun
Watermelon Boss!
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.