@AnotherFunnyGuy: If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
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@AngrEdmontonian: Apparently, "Step up your game" isn't the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
@PaperWash: [grocery store] dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying [baby keeps crying] me: wow, your baby does not listen
@Tmoney68: BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower. He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.