If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
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Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
British websites use biscuits.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
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has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.