@AnotherFunnyGuy: If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
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@Dawn_M_: I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
@SteveSuckington: Wife: [looking at bank statement] what's this huge charge from Clones R Us? Me: [sends group text to 7 other me's] she's on to us
@ScottLinnen: We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: "I see dreadful people."
@KeetPotato: [airport] "you should have used a tag" [a horse emerges on luggage belt] noone else has brought a horse linda [another horse appears] oh FFS