If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
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[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
inventing words: clothing
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?