If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
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Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.