@Claytonsaurus: If spiders ever figure out how to become ghosts, we're screwed.
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@LizHackett: Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
@dafloydsta: [asking a girl out] ME: So do you have a dog? HER: Yes, I do. She's very playful. ME: *nervously* Do you know if she's busy later?
@simoncholland: I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
@TheToddWilliams: RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don't know how you do it, honey. RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.