got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
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Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself