the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
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Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I thought this was funny lol
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.