My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
You Might Also Like
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….