If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
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Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!