If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Snapes on a plane.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Haha good job!!
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.