If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
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[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry