if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
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The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
🙂🙃🥹
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
What if the weather talks about us?
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.