If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
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[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
how it started vs how it ended
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
What if all the cashiers are married?
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.