wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
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If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I cannot stop laughing at this
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*