If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
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In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
This will never not be funny 😭
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
pictures of spider-man
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I have never related to a cat more
*updates tinder bio*
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.