If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
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“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”