If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
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Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Today’s Times
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.