If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
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Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.