If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
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The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
i smell a pulitzer
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I was up all night reading about insomnia
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.