@daviddeweil: If The Bachelor was realistic they'd ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
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@omerwahaj: I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
@dorsalstream: [kids fighting in the back seat] ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON'T CUT IT OUT.
@gruffybeard: Me: You're clingy & adorable. Like a koala. Her: I'm amazed you can spell koala. Me: *deletes 'how to spell coalla' from browser history*