If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
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I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.