If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
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This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping