If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
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Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up