If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
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America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Received some very disappointing news today
April 1st is the class clown of days.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building