Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
You Might Also Like
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age