[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
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I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.