I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
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[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Meowchelangelo
You are what you delete.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.