media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
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Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often