@ElizaBayne: If the British had won, today we'd all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
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@Playing_Dad: [At crime scene] Detective: You need to take this seriously Me: I am *picks up leg bone* Me: I found this humerus. Lol. D: You're fired.
@MrFornicator: I've opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
@causticbob: Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
@Moemontes: To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!