Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
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Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed