People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
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Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
*pokes sex life with a stick
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.