If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
can’t catch a break
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?