@cloudcm: If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
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@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”) Wife: I heard that
@daemonic3: HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted HER: Oh thanks! What's in it? HIM: What do you mean, "in it"?
@UniqueDude2: WAITER: Your honor, when I said "enjoy your meal" he said "you too" ME: it was a mistake JUDGE: he gets half your meal W: thanks J: you too
@Josievorenkamp: Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.