If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
You Might Also Like
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.