Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
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therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
(Gaming support cat.)
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
This story is comedy gold 😂
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again