wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
You Might Also Like
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I’ve had worse
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly