Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
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me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Who wants to be my Valentine?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*