If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I wish I could veto my bills.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.