If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
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If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.