@AndyAsAdjective: "IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY"
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@Social_Mime: Texting my wife when we were dating - What are you wearing? Texting my wife now - Did the dog poop?
@nayele18maybe: If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
@psybermonkey: [Dinner table] Son: no! I don't wanna! Me: you want to be like Popeye don't ya? Son: ...yeah Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.