“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
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I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
FRED: right
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free