@AndyAsAdjective: "IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY"
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@dshack8: Usain Bolt doesn't know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
@daemonic3: [grocery store robbery] ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees* ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
@ScottLinnen: Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
@Spaziotwat: Deodorant? I've never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes