If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
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Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.